someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
