I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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