who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
