dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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