he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
