im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
