literally had 100 drinks last night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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