turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
