do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
