Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
