I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
