well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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