he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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