My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
