Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
