They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
