Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
