The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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