so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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