My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
