someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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