True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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