I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just invented taco cereal.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
