did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
