A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
