Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
