Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
