All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
