i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
