Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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