My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
