i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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