i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
