I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
