The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
