when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
