I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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