i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
