One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
