I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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