i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
