I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
