I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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