I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
