i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
