the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
operation harelip BJ is a go
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
