I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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