I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
