Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
