do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
