This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
