The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
