thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
